To Women Trapped Everywhere a Vital Message from Diane Dimond and Susan Murphy Milano

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DIANE DIMOND

CRIME, JUSTICE & REALITY

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May. 8 2009 

To Trapped Women Everywhere

Domestic Abuse Hurts Everyone

In the wake of former cop Drew Peterson being arrested on charges he murdered his third wife (his fourth wife is still missing and presumed dead) there are loads of words being written on the topic of domestic abuse.

Over at Women In Crime Ink, one of my fellow contributors wrote something I feel I MUST pass along.  Because, you see, domestic violence can hit any class of family, in any big city or small village. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or don’t have or whether the children are damaged in the awful process.  Domestic abuse happens behind closed doors all the time.  And only when the woman finds the strength to walk away does it stop.

Below find the words of  Susan Murphy Milano , a remarkable woman who has spent 20 years as a prosecutor of domestic violence crimes, with an expertise in police officer perpetrated violence.  To say she knows of what she speaks is an understatement.   Her personal story is a riveting lesson for us all.

As a child Susan grew up in an abusive household with a domineeing  father who controlled  the family with an iron fist.  Just like Drew Peterson her dad was a POLICE OFFICER - a detective with the Chicago Violent Crimes Unit, no less - and he instilled in the family a sense of hopelessness.  Who were they going to report his bad deeds to?  His fellow cops?

Susan Murphy Milano

Susan’s words which follow are more poignant when you realize the ultimate end for her parents.  Her mother was murdered by her father.  He then killed himself.  An all too familiar end to the horrible cycle.

Please pass this on if you suspect a woman you know needs an exit plan….I know I sure did once.

If you have been in an abusive relationship or currently are with someone who takes you on a roller ride twenty-four hours a day, you understand what it is like to be treated as if you do not matter, to wait on their every request (more like demands) only to end up right where they want you, under their control.  And for some reason, because you love this person, cannot leave financially or have little left of your self worth, you put up with the verbal, emotional and physical assaults.

So you stay right where you most want to escape from…long beyond the time you should have said, you meant to say…NO MORE!  

Listen To This Lesson

I’m not going to ask you why, to make you feel that it is somehow your fault that you were abused, that you should have and could have and because you didn’t you’re now somewhat to blame. I don’t judge anyone. That would be like throwing stones in my already broken window filled glass house.   Your reasons for staying are part of the abuse process, the systematic tearing down of your sense of reality and belief in yourself.

You also may have become used to being treated like dirt and have maybe even taught yourself to “overlook” getting choked, smashed against doors, shoved into household furniture, used to having lamps thrown at you. Perhaps you’re now numb to the belittling, the mockery, the intimately projected verbal abuse and are now left with an invisible feeling of abandonment as your one and only reliable and constant invisible companion.

Many of us being or who have been abused continue to hope for change. We keep wishing for that “Jeannie” to pop out of a bottle and grant us those magical 3 wishes our lives have been so desperate for, for so long.

But let me be straight with you when I say, that is never going to happen. It is a fantasy, a myth, a make believe dream. Your relationship is not a fairy tale, some kind of little girl wished upon, happily ever after story. Not only is it really your reality, it is also dangerous, toxic and lethal.

You literally cannot LIVE for the few and fleeting good times in your relationship. The sparse and far between loving tender moments given to by this controlling, manipulative and dangerous person with whom you say you “LOVE”. It’s impossible to erase the constant pain and hurt that have been written all over your soul in permanent red ink.

"A man who beats you doesn't love you" - Susan Murphy Milano

In simple, plain and easy to understand words, a man who beats anyone doesn’t love you. It is impossible. They are incapable of loving anything on this planet and quite likely your very love for them causes your abuser to rather most intensely despise you.

Of course, behind your “safe home” no one sees your personal punching bag role as the target of their physical, emotional and/or verbal abuse. How you desperately cling to your hope while painfully hiding your body and hearts deep wounds and too many to count bruises. Your own induced humiliation as you beg your abuser to please treat you with even a minute amount of kindness and respect.

You play and feed into their own personal failures as a human being. Men don’t behave like this but, cowards do.

You force your mind to avoid the scene of the crime and your memory to naively consist of that time and space when this person was wonderful and loving towards you. So now, after years of abuse, you walk around like a numb zombie desperately hoping and waiting for the few measly crumbs of hope that go away as quickly as they come.

But today, it’s time to say ENOUGH. Today, Time’s Up.

It is time to remove the dangerous toxic nutcase from your life.

It is time for you and your children to leave the danger that is in your lives.

It is time for you to realize that there may not be a next time.

It is time to wake up, to look at reality and understand that the reason why you don’t feel safe, is because you’re not.

Susan Murphy Milano
Author, Speaker, Consultant
Expert Source of Abuse Exit Plans

Look for Susan’s upcoming book, “Time’s Up; A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships” to be released Summer of 2009.  

Check the time, it’s UP, do not hesitate to claim your ticket towards a lifetime of freedom from of abuse and visit Susan’s site  for lifesaving advice, inspiration and clear directions , including her vital and impacting, currently available resource, “Moving out, Moving on.”

The Susan Murphy Milano Show airs each Wednesday afternoon at 4pm EST, a must hear source for all those affected by the painful cruelty of a life abused.

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Contact:
Sara Huizenga

Peki Jones
ImaginePublicity

http://imaginepublicity.wordpress.com

imaginepublicity@gmail.com

Peterson Children Become Knockout Victims

Peterson Children Become Knockout Victims

by Dr. Dathan Paterno

Most people are aware that Drew Peterson was arrested Thursday for the murder of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. The arrest comes more than five years after her death. Understandably, the media pay very little attention to their two teenage children or to the two pre-school children he had with his fourth wife Stacy, who disappeared in 2007 and whom many believe Peterson also killed. While preferring not to drag the children into the media spotlight, it can be useful to consider their plight throughout this ordeal.

How does all of this affect them? Can we even begin to comprehend the trauma that has been foisted on the most unwilling victims of this twisted, evil drama? The combination of emotional and psychospiritual crises that follow are like a defenseless boxer suffering a punishing combination of violent blows, with no referee to mercilessly end the fight.

The first blow for each child was the death of their mother. If this were not traumatic enough, the circumstances surrounding their deaths or disappearance are shrouded in mystery and grave suspicion. Not only does trauma stunt emotional growth, essentially freezing the child at that particular stage of development, but the death of a parent raises all kinds of intense existential questions. Children are ill-equipped to answer those questions or to get themselves unstuck developmentally.

The second blow comes when they realize that a great many people—including their mom’s families, many in the media, and state prosecutors—hold their father responsible for these deaths. They now have to live with the fact that most people perceive their father as a serial wife murderer. Combine this with the developmental fact that children implicitly trust their parents and one can understand how the children are facing a crisis of reality testing:

“How can I believe he is innocent when so many are convinced otherwise?”

“What if Dad really did murder Mom like they say?”

“If my father lied to me all of these years, can I believe anything or anyone?”

At some point, each is likely to descend into an abyss of doubt surrounding their entire perception of reality. It is hard to imagine anything more frightening.

The third punishing blow arrives from the knowledge that their peers know that their mother was murdered and that the prime suspect was just removed from their home. Any volunteers for a play-date at the Petersons? I think not. And what parent would allow their daughter to go to prom with the kid whose dad whacked his mom and his step-mom? These children will likely struggle with unimaginable, albeit utterly undeserved shame and embarrassment.

Fourth, these children will inevitably face the question of their own capacity for evil, even murder. Regrettably, Drew Peterson was and continues to be his children’s primary role model. His boys instinctively want to be like him; they also innately know this to be true. “If Dad was capable of murder, am I too?”

How in the world can these innocent children possibly endure such an onslaught of trauma? First, it is impossible to expect them to survive without significant emotional pathology. Depression, extreme anxiety, confusion, poor school performance, irritability, and even altered states of reality testing would all be utterly normal for children suffering as they are. Everyone around them—including mental health professionals—must avoid diagnosing their suffering and focus on normalizing their experience and set of responses to their traumatic experiences.

Second, many children possess astounding resilience in the face of trauma. Consider the survivors of Auschwitz; many of them are amazingly healthy. There seems to be an innate quality in some people of bouncing back from trauma. Some even rise above their trauma by working with others who experience trauma. One example is Susan Murphy-Milano, whose police officer father brutally murdered his wife in front of her. She has become a fierce defender of victims’ rights and a nationally recognized women’s advocate. Perhaps some of the Peterson children will possess this elusive quality.

Third, these children must have a network of extended family with Herculean strength, resolve, compassion, patience, and wisdom. They must replace both their mothers and their father in modeling justice, truth, love, honesty, and understanding. They must be able to balance the need to offer truth to the children—in doses they can handle—with a fierce instinct to protect them from the depth of the harsh realities involved in this narrative. They must also be prepared to answer the inevitable existential questions that will come. “Why did my dad murder my mom?” “Why did God allow him to do that?”

Finally, someone should suggest to the teenage boys that as soon as they turn 18, they appeal to a judge to change their last name. It just isn’t good for them to be Petersons anymore.

Dr. Dathan Paterno is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Park Ridge, IL. He can be contacted at drpaterno@prpsych.com.

He is also the author of the soon to be released Parenting Book,"Desperately Seeking Parents."

Susan Murphy Milano

Author, Speaker, Consultant

Expert Source of Abuse Exit Plans

Contact:

ImaginePublicity

Sara Huizenga Lubbers and Peki Jones

imaginepublicity@gmail.com

	Zero Gossip published a new entry entitled "Drew Peterson Arrested: Charged with Murder of Kathleen Savio" on 5/7/2009 6:24:56 PM, written by Holliston. Drew Peterson Arrested: Charged with Murder of Kathleen Savio It's been a long time coming but the Geneva Sun in Chicago is reporting that Drew Peterson was arrested today and is being charged in the murder of his third wife Kathleen Savio. It looks like just a matter of time now before he's charged in the disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy Peterson. These developments may interfere with his plans on appearing on the HBO adult reality series "Cathouse." Permalink: zerogossip.com/2009/05/07/drew-peterson-arrested-charged-with-murder-of-kathleen-savio.aspx

Desperately Seeking Parents: Candy Land is Not the Devil. Really, It’s Not…

Desperately Seeking Parents: Candy Land is Not the Devil. Really, It’s Not…

by Dr. Dathan Paterno

A Great Effort to bring back Family Game Night!

Protest Against Family Court System in Newark, NJ

Children are paying the price all over America for keeping the "family secrets" about their battered parent. All too often the courts can only make rulings based on documentation, but how can a woman who is locked inside her house being beaten and sometimes tortured make a report? Where is her documentation? Sometimes the only documentation she will get is an obituary!

Newark protesters rally against family court system for alleged bias against battered women

by Paul Brubaker/The Star-Ledger
Monday April 27, 2009, 6:55 PM

More than 50 people rallied in Newark for reform in the family court system with chants, protest signs and speeches alleging there is a national crisis of judges awarding child custody to violent, even sexually abusive, fathers.

But Essex County's top judge defended the local family courts as a meticulously careful system that acts in the best interests of children, even if it means terminating someone's parental rights.


Ed Murray/The Star-Ledger
A husband and wife sit in front of a Newark family court judge in 2003. Protesters today demonstrated in front of the Wilentz Justice Complex against judges awarding child custody to violent and/or sexually abusive fathers.
In front of the Wilentz Justice Complex on Washington Street, which houses Essex County's family courts, speakers targeted the system as being biased against battered women and holding archaic attitudes that domestic violence and sexual abuse were private problems.

"A mother's basic instinct is to protect her children. She should not be punished for it," said Maretta Short of East Orange, president of the state's chapter of the National Organization for Women.

"In the last 30 years, every institution in this society has changed its views toward domestic violence," said Evan Stark, a professor at Rutgers University's School of Public Affairs and Administration. "Only in the family court do the obsolete beliefs that were discredited everywhere else in society still prevail."

Stark said part of the problem is that state laws require judges to detail their decisions for not awarding child custody to an abusive parent. The result is that judges avoid the issue by not admitting evidence of domestic abuse into the hearings, Stark said.

Later, Superior Court Assignment Judge Patricia Costello disputed Stark's assessment of family court judges.

"They don't punt on the tough issues to avoid tough decisions," Costello said. "They make tough decisions. When the parents can't decide who raises the children, the judge makes the call."

All judges are bound by the rules of evidence and their rulings must be based on careful consideration and backed by detailed documentation, the judge said. All the while, the family court judge must remain dispassionate during proceedings that are often highly emotional, she added.


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